How to Break Off an Engagement Like a Pro, According to a Relationship Coach

Breaking off an engagement is never an easy decision. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known your partner for six months or six years — this was someone you used to see building your life with. Coming to terms with the fact that your relationship may not last forever can feel like an emotional whirlwind. Somewhere maybe the feelings of romance have changed, or maybe the whole process of planning the wedding has shed light on some pretty big differences in values, goals, or how to operate within a family. Whatever the case, calling off an engagement calls for empathy, honesty and a clear head.

There’s no handbook for backing out of a commitment of this nature, as there is for what to do when you start planning a wedding. Even when you feel 100% about your decision, fears of hurting your partner, disappointing your family and friends or facing financial repercussions can make the process that much more challenging. That said, staying in a relationship that doesn’t feel right can lead to even greater pain down the road.

We spoke to relationship strategist Mara Whitmore, senior coach at New Chapter Matchmaking, about how we can carry out this knotty manoeuvre deftly and confidently.

3 Legitimate Reasons to Break Off an Engagement

Breaking off an engagement is a very personal decision and no one can do it for you. That said, if you’re looking for some illumination or some reassurance, here are three signs your relationship may be so hot, it’s ultimately not the one.

Poor Communication Patterns

Wedding planning is a time when “people are often stressed to the max, in the middle of major life changes, working out the kinks of being together,” said Whitmore, and it reveals “how well (or not well) they communicate.” “It’s one of the first big things that forces teamwork, compromise and empathy,” she says. If you constantly find yourself arguing—over things like which guests make the list, what kind of venue is right for the affair or even the overall feel of the celebration—and are unable to resolve confrontations with ease, that might be a sign that the foundation of your relationship isn’t as sound as you’d like to believe.

Misaligned Financial Views

Planning a wedding can bring your financial compatibility — or lack thereof — into stark relief. “How you handle money together is one of the key indicators of long-term success,” Whitmore says. “If one of you is a saver and the other’s a spender, or if the journey is creating ongoing friction around budgeting priorities, that’s something to watch for.” Nothing puts a damper on a relationship quite like money problems, and opposing financial values are tough to reconcile.

Family and Future Goals Fights

“Connections with each other’s families and shared dreams for the future are really important,” Whitmore says. Even if one of you eventually gets on board with the other’s vision (I know how seductive a wish is to get everyone on the same page), if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, or if there’s deep friction around family participation, that kind of conflict can generate long-term stress. It’s important to respect each other’s family dynamics, even if they are messy. If this seems impossible, perhaps you’re not on the same page about fundamental life values.

How to Respectfully Break Off an Engagement: 3 Steps

It’s never easy to leave a committed relationship, but breaking up good can help both of you minimize long-term pain. Here’s how to navigate the breakup, while honoring what you had — and who you are.

Step 1: Lead With Compassion

Your partner might not see this coming, even if you’ve agonized over the decision for months. That’s why Whitmore suggests having the conversation in person whenever you can. “Consider the feelings you have and why you think the relationship isn’t suited for either of you,” she says. Avoid blaming or criticizing. Don't rush them, and give them access to shared stuff, or "our" friends, so that they can get closure.

Step 2: Tell Your Closest Circle of Friends

After you’re done talking, tell your family and friends — particularly those helping you plan the wedding. If your ex is a friend, or has at least given you a friendly wave from the friend zone, you might want to reveal the news together, as co-conductors of the announcement. “Many couples have already created common life and community,” says Whitmore. “Announcing the news as a pair allows closure and a mutual sense of respect.” Distant acquaintances or very occasional guests can receive the announcement of the honor via email or in mail, when signed by both halves of the couple.

Step 3: Protect Your Privacy

The specific reasons the engagement ended don’t have to be shared with everyone. Only share what you feel safe and good sharing. “You don’t owe anyone the full story,” Whitmore says. “Those two weeks, your health comes first, and it’s more than okay to draw a boundary around what you want to disclose.”

Ending an engagement is never easy, but remaining in a relationship that doesn’t feel right can cause more pain in the long run. With clarity, kindness and backing, you can proceed in a manner that respects both your evolution and your ex’s dignity.