Should Your Sister Be Your Maid of Honor?

Weddings are filled with time-honored traditions, from the presentation of the bride’s bouquet to the tiered wedding cake. Though some couples still adhere to these traditions, many are reconsidering what feels right for their relationships and circumstances. Choosing a wedding party may come easy to some, but for others, it’s hard to decide: Do I have to pick my sister as my maid of honor?

“There’s no rule that says your sister has to be your maid or matron of honor,” said Julian Harris, a wedding planner with Evermore Events. Things could get even more complicated if you have multiple sisters. Marriage links two families, so it’s normal to want to involve your siblings, but this role also carries obligations. In the old days, the job of the maid of honor involves helping to plan affairs such as the bachelorette party and being a support system for the couple throughout the wedding planning process. Whoever steps into the role should be able and prepared to do so.

“Your wedding party should be a reflection of your most important and real relationships and not just your biological relationships,” says event designer Celeste Rowen of Golden Knot Celebrations. “If your sister is your best friend and the person you want standing beside you, that’s a great reason to ask her. But you shouldn’t feel responsible just because she’s a relative.” Rowen also says that more couples are eschewing traditional titles altogether, including “maid of honor,” especially when it comes to a point of contention.

Still unsure who to choose? Here is what the experts recommend when it comes to the pros and cons of choosing your sister as your maid of honor.

Why Your Sister Should be Your Maid of Honor

Harris presses that it is purely a personal decision, but he notes there is something wonderful about the tradition. “There’s just something timeless and emotionally transcendent about asking your sister to serve as your maid or matron of honor,” he explains. “It brings emotional depth and creates continuity to the ceremony.”

If you and your sister are close, it may come as second nature to involve her throughout the planning process and on the big day itself. Amelia Loren, an etiquette consultant, says that decision can help with reinforcing the sibling relationship, and recognising the wider family set-up. “In so many traditional ceremonies, family is the focus,” she says. “Having your sister at the helm embodies that spirit.”

But what if you have more than one sister? Loren suggests naming co-maids of honor and dividing up the responsibilities. “It really depends on the structure and the relationships within your family,” she says. You might also opt to ask a close friend to be your maid of honor and have your sisters as bridesmaids, or give them alternative special tasks, like giving a toast or wearing special attire. “A sister can have a significant role without the burden of the entire MOH existence,” Harris says.

Reasons to Not Have Your Sister As Your Maid of Honor

By all means, there are plenty of good reasons to go another way. Chances are, like me, you don’t have a good relationship with your sister — or, if you do, you’re closer to a friend who is like a sister.

“It makes me cringe to see families trying to pressure a couple into having positions based on tradition alone,” says Harris. “Life events help form relationships, and sometimes close friendships can grow into deeper, even ‘sisterly’ relationships.” In those instances, he says, having a trusty friend as your maid of honor can make more sense, emotionally and otherwise.

It is also worth thinking about your sister’s life right now. Perhaps she’s dealing with some trying issues, has a challenging job that requires a lot of her time, or just doesn’t fancy taking on a leadership position. Your wedding may be your top priority, but that does not mean it necessarily dovetails seamlessly into everyone else’s lives. If you’re also very close to your sister, but you don’t want her to be a maid of honor, they both recommend finding another way to honor her — whether it’s as a special guest sitting with the family, or giving her a chance to speak at the reception. The secret is to tell her personally and in private of your decision before spreading the news to others.

“In these instances, I recommend an open discussion,” Rowen says. “Tell your sister you love her and you want her to enjoy the party without added stress. (I’m keeping it vague; let your decision be about what’s best for both of you, not commentary on your bond.)

What About a Sister-in-Law?

As for your partner’s sister, there’s no rule that says she has to attend — especially if the two of you aren’t good friends. But if you have it in you, and if it matters to your mate, you might consider welcoming her into the bridal party.

“I do think sometimes people can be taking gender roles a little too far,” Rowen says. “It’s fine for your partner to keep their sister on their side of the wedding party if you’re not particularly close.”

Ultimately, the experts agree: the choice should be totally yours.

“The essence of a wedding is love and joining together,” Harris says. “Couples should know that they have the power to mold their celebration to reflect exactly who they are —without guilt, without pressure, and without standards strapped to their backs.”