How Self-Work Will Make You A Better Partner, According To A Relationship Therapist

Whether it’s your first year of marriage or you’re celebrating a decade together, there’s always a chance to deepen your bond and reinforce your relationship. Of course, every couple is different, but it is good to know that there are certain habits that can help any partner strengthen their marriage.

Ultimately, the best way to become a better partner is by working on yourself first, says relationship therapist Dr. Nina Elwood. “The foundation of a sustainable healthy relationship is where two people come from being the best person they can be,” she says. “That starts with self-awareness and asking the question: ‘What can I do better for myself?’ rather than “What should they do differently?” ” As you invest in your growth as a couple, you will be better equipped to handle whatever else comes your way.

So how do people do that, exactly? Here, Dr. Elwood offers both practical and powerful ways that partners can work on themselves—and eventually, help make each other stronger.

Understand Your Inner World

Before anyone can have a better relationship, there’s some personal inspection that each partner should get up to. “A lot of times we think communication is the answer to happiness, but to have good communication you have to know yourself,” Dr. Elwood says. That means understanding how you show up in the relationship, being responsible for your words and the actions that follow from them, and doing the inner work, on your own or with the help of a professional, that you need to do in order to be a consistently healthy presence for your partner.

Examine the Way You Argue

Fighting is normal and to be expected in any kind of relationship, but the way you fight is so much more important than how frequently. Dr. Elwood cautioned about falling into competitive conflict behavior, where each partner is trying to win. “Couples who argue to be right or to play the victim create a one-upmanship culture,” she says. “In a successful relationship, both individuals comprehend that if one person loses, the relationship loses. She advises them to think of conflict not as a gulf, but as a joint problem to work through.

Establish Healthy Habits

Healthy habits contribute to happy marriages, and strong relationships don’t just happen; they are nurtured. That includes how partners treat themselves as well as the other person. Couples don’t have to wait until there are problems to seek guidance, Dr. Elwood said. “Early intervention may help you develop helpful habits, such as challenging negative thought patterns and creating an emotional sense of safety,” she says. These are habits that built up our long-term resilience.

Own Your Role

The most underappreciated and most powerful advice? Take responsibility. “It’s the unsexy truth nobody wants to hear — but it’s what separates the fragile relationships from the strong ones,” said Dr. Elwood. “The most well balanced partnerships are ones that both people in it can see their own imperfections, admit to screwing things up, and learn from it.” For her, personal responsibility is a hallmark of emotional intelligence—and perhaps the single best indicator of long-term relational success.

Final Thoughts

Hard work on yourself might not feel like a romantic gesture, but it’s often the most loving thing you can give your partner. By working on your own emotional wellness and the way you communicate and take responsibility, you’re not only enhancing your own life, you are also showing up as the person a committed relationship requires.