Can You Really Stay Friends With Your Ex After Marriage? What You Really Need to Know

Maintaining a friendship with an ex is always complicated. It’s often hard to let go of someone who was a significant part of your past, and yet the more you struggle to try to keep in touch, the more muddled and confused and even painful your emotions, and the whole relationship, can become. Throw marriage into the mix, and it’s even more convoluted. So the only question is, should you ever cut someone off when you’re getting married?

The response is not black and white. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you have to automatically end every old relationship in your life. (Indeed, if you were able to remain friends with your ex while you were in that committed relationship, why should your wedding vows be the one thing able to erase that connection?) What is far more important is the one between you, your ex and your fiancé.

Occasionally, being friends with an ex is logical. Maybe you dated a long time ago, or maybe the relationship was never that serious. And those are the times when it can be a soft sell into a true sort of friendship.

Emotional entanglements, that said, can get very messy. If you’re not sure whether your friendship with your ex is a healthy or appropriate dynamic to have post-marriage (or even post-divorce, to the extent that calling off the wedding was just a formality at that point), here’s what to think about.

What Really Changes After You Get Married?

Is This a Friendship — or Something Else?

Most so-called “friendships” with exes are not true friendships. If you were best friends before you dated and are over one another but still lean on each other when you need an ear, then the connection might be genuine. But if this person comes back regularly every month or few months with a vague message or an 11th-hour invitation to get drinks, that is almost certainly not a friend — it’s emotional disarray.

A real friendship is not about some odd bit of nostalgia or a flirtatious throwback. If you find you’re attracted to your ex for reasons that are murky — or if such interactions create enmity with your spouse — you need to rethink the relationship.

Remember: Friendship doesn’t necessarily call for regular or deep involvement. You can be “friends” in the let’s-say-happy-birthday-or-accidentally-run-into-each-other-and-not-make-it-dramatic kind of way. You don’t need to invite them to dinner parties, or treat them as if they were a confidante.

Consider the Broader Picture

There are times when it’s just the most practical course of action to maintain a civil relationship with an ex. Perhaps you have mutual friends, circulate in the same social spheres or your families are still friends. In those instances, staying on good terms may help spare you unnecessary awkwardness or drama.

But casual friendliness and emotional proximity are not the same. Be honest with yourself about this person’s place in your life and if that place is still appropriate.

Honesty Is Non-Negotiable

If you are friends with your ex — on any level — your spouse should be informed. This is one of those gray areas where full transparency is important. Your partner should not have to hear about your ex via the grapevine, or by facing an awkward moment at a party.

You hope you have had these exchanges before getting married. But even if not, it’s never too late to mention it. Describe openly the history, the current dynamic and what-boundaries-feel-right going forward for both of you.

Your Marriage Comes First

Your marriage has to be the priority above all else. If the friendship with your ex isn’t adding real value to your life or is causing a strain on your current partner, it’s maybe time to cut ties.

But I would say, if your partner feels overly threatened by even the most innocent of interactions, that could be an indication of a deeper issue. What makes a good marriage is trust. If your ex truly is just a friend, your partner should have no issue with the relationship at all.

And if they can’t stand the fact that you have a dating history and see evidence of it, it may be time to ask yourself if the discomfort has more to do with the ex — or controlling former flames.

Final Thoughts

Maintaining a friendly relationship with an ex is never easy, and marriage doesn’t always help matters. But it can offer clarity. Consider it an opportunity to assess where those friendships are and whether they work with the life you’re building now.

Think about what this person truly means to you, and where they factor into your present — not just your past. Then, communicate openly and honestly with your spouse. With some openness, mutual respect and a strong commitment to your marriage, it is entirely feasible to establish healthy boundaries—whether you remain friends with your ex or you think it’s time to let your relationship go.

Let honesty be your guide.