Gaslighting in Relationships: Signs, Examples, and How to Break Free

We’re hearing more and more about gaslighting in dating and relationships, but it’s a pattern of manipulation that only gets mentioned when it becomes a worst-case scenario. Whether in a romantic partnership or in a toxic friendship, this word is typically used when the “offender” convinces the “victim” to question their reality. It’s “You’d said you were going away on a trip Saturday, but your partner says you’d said Sunday — and then is mad because they were misled.” Perhaps you’ve seen them being flirty at a gathering, but they tell you you’re being paranoid. These are the things we are used to with gaslighting.

The essence of gaslighting is a type of emotional manipulation that aims to drive someone crazy or make someone doubt his mental faculties. It’s a technique used to shift the balance of power in a relationship, where one person uses manipulation, unfair loyalty, and other tactics to gain control over the other, usually by causing the latter to doubt their own memory and perception, or even their sanity.

“Gaslighting is emotional abuse, which can be very damaging and cause self-doubt,” therapist Damon Kelley says. “It causes people to bash themselves and lowers their self-esteem.”

What Does Gaslighting Look Like in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is an emotionally abusive tactic in which one partner convinces the other that their reality, judgment, and feelings are not reliable. “It is a systematic form of control,” says Kelley. “It enables one person to hijack the emotional story of the relationship.

“Confusion is produced, people feel crazy, and isolation is frequently the result,” says therapist Camille Rhodes.

5 Signs You’re Being Gaslit

You Doubt Your Own Reality

If you often wonder if you are misremembering things, or if what really happened was what you perceived, or if what you feel is justified, it may be gaslighting.

They Lie Repeatedly Without A Second Thought

A gaslighter will generally lie unabashedly—even when you know the truth. These lies are not innocent; they’re designed to undermine your trust in yourself.

They Degrade Your Confidence

“You’re seeing things,” “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re always overreacting” — these are all signs. They work down your self-esteem.

They Isolate You

Gaslighters will often try to isolate you from people who support you, turning friends or family members against you, or implying that even others don’t believe you. This isolation makes it more difficult to find support or perspective.

They Dispute Things They’ve Said or Done

Gaslighters will even deny that they’ve said things or done something, even if you have proof. This type of manipulation causes you to doubt your memory and perception.

Common Gaslighting Phrases

• "You’re too emotional."
• "Stop being so dramatic."
• "That never happened."
• "I was just joking."
• "Everyone agrees with me."
• "You’re crazy."
• “I do this only because I love you.”

Real-Life Examples of Gaslighting

Love as a Shield

The line “I only did it because I love you” is often thrown around to rationalize controlling and stifling behavior, like undermining job chances or friendships.

Paranoia Accusations

If you bring up concerns about infidelity or dishonesty and your partner reflexively wdlsimisses you as paranoid or insecure, this could be a sign of gaslighting.

Verbal Dismantling

Constant undermining such as “You’re lucky someone puts up with you at all” or “You’re hopeless with money” are ways of shrinking you and making you more dependent.

Why People Gaslight

To Keep the Relationship Going

Some people use gaslighting as a toxic way to keep the relationship from falling apart.

To Feel Superior

For some, controlling others is a way of feeling secure or more powerful.

The pleasure they get from control

Sadly, for some people, having emotional control over someone is an actual psychological high.

If You Are Being Gaslit

Get Support

Talk to a reliable friend, family member or therapist who can help you process what’s occurring.

Take Baby Steps Toward Distance

Start emotionally disengaging and planning your exit, even if you’re not in a position to leave right now.

Self-Care First

Focus on activities that make you feel centered — writing in a journal, going for a walk, getting back into hobbies.

Trust Yourself

Decide to trust your experience of whatever it is you’re feeling. No one else has permission to write your reality.

FAQ

Can gaslighting occur outside romantic relationships?

Yes. Gaslighting can happen among friends, in work relationships or among family members.

Are there different types of gaslighting?

Yes—common types include outright lying, reality distortion, scapegoating, and emotional coercion.

Do gaslighters ever apologize?

They might apologize in a backhanded way, for example, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which instead of taking responsibility diverts fault.